what no one tells you about wanting more from life
a reflection on dreams and reality featuring photos of young Izzy as her dreams evolved (free post!)
Hi friends! Today’s post is free for everyone, since I thought this topic might be helpful for many. Enjoy.
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I’m a dreamer. It might be the Pisces in me, but I simply can’t help but dream and imagine and think of a world where anything is possible. This was encouraged in me as a child, as it should be, and thus I am now a burgeoning writer with idealistic tendencies.
I want my life to be big and full and wide. I want to make a positive impact on the world, be successful, love deeply, be financially secure, have a dog and take ownership of my horse, travel widely, and be social. I dream of my perfect match in a person and of a job that gives me joy while also being financially fulfilling (note: of course this is a dream).
All this to say, I don’t dream like that anymore. Whether it be the Zoloft or the cynicism of my first adult years under my belt, I don’t fall asleep to a new visualized dream every night. I truly looked forward to closing my eyes in bed and seeing what my brain could come up with. But now, I struggle to fall asleep. As much as I try, I can’t come up with any type of story to fall asleep to. My brain is either a black hole of nothingness, and not in a good way, or an overstimulated whirlpool of anxiety. There is no in between.
In the process of transforming from a nightly dreamer to the Black Hole, I realized what no one ever tells the dreamers, to those wanting more in life. No one says that it really sucks. It’s really hard when you grow up and learn that dreams are sometimes just dreams. They can feel so real.
Some of the fantasies are just that — fantasy. When I was in my spy book era in middle school, I genuinely thought the CIA would recruit me. I cannot begin to describe the actual movie I would create every night. I was doing some crazy things! Call me Jane Bond? Should I add a picture of pre-teen me here? I’m sure you get the idea though; I was not spy material.
Some of the dreams change form as life and experience alter you, and it can be ugly in the ways it distorts. I had wanted to be a veterinarian my whole childhood. I purposely showed up to the barn when the vet was coming out. I played pretend vet on all my little stuffed animals. However, the moment our first dog was put to sleep, I knew I wouldn’t be able to. On the other hand, I never wanted to go into sales, but my ability to speak well is what pinged my interest in marketing.
And through it all, the slow loss of limitless possibility that is bolstered by the adults in your young life drains you. There is nothing better for a child to dream and imagine, but there is nearly nothing that aches more than losing the naivety of it all.
The beautiful part though is that it grows again and in new ways. It’s like a flower and anything else natural in this world. It might be plucked or uprooted or hurt in a storm, but it is natural. It always reappears. Now, you want more for yourself in this life. Let’s begin.
You realize that a small life is beautiful and in fact contains everything a “large” life chases. It is better than the lavish whatever you dreamt of as a child. Peace is more valuable than anything riches can throw your way. I say this when the most peaceful part of this life for me is on the back of my horse, so take that as you will. You understand that a job can simply be a job. It can fund your passions. You can fulfill your life’s purpose in other ways. Or perhaps, it is carefully molded into something new.
No one ever tells you that wanting more from life can be painful and sad. We are, or should have been, encouraged to be dreamers as children. Losing those dreams to reality can be a hard process to walk through. What it teaches you most, though, is the ability to persevere. One dream might be lost, but a new one takes its place. Something you thought you wanted ends up being the wrong fit, but you stumble into something beautiful. When you want more from life, yes, you will inevitably get hurt. But. But, you learn to find the beauty in it. You learn how to pivot and make a new dream. The imagination and wonder of it all remained tucked close to your heart, and above all, it allows you to keep dreaming through all the dips in life.
I am at a point in my life where things are constantly fluctuating. Not only do I doubt every move I make, but I also have a hand in many different baskets. Between studying for potential grad school, teaching myself new skills, writing a book, and my articles on here, I truly have a full plate. Accepting balance and patience are my current learnings in perseverance. For example, writing only 15 minutes a day means slow progress, but it is what is doable for me. And do you know what I remember when I get overwhelmed? When I get dragged into the spiral of wanting everything that I do? I remember what is at the core. The core of it all is my own personal peace. Fulfillment through creativity, peace through love, a quiet home and a warm sun.
That’s all for today. Much love
Izzy
I loved this post! Lots of food for thought.
I loved this post Izzy! I only found myself the other day noticing a spark of that imaginative excitement that I used to constantly have as a child. I was off work, on my own at the local outdoor pool, people-watching after a swim and making up the most extravagant stories about everyone else around me. I think it's because I was so time-rich on that day, that my creativity came bubbling up - I've really missed it.
What you've said about peace is so, so true though. It's fun to dream, but really a reality where we feel secure and peaceful is all any of us could ask for <3