24. How Books Have Helped and Hurt My Mental Health

A deeper dive into my Instagram post from Monday, an nice array of genres, and Oscar Wilde.

There is a resounding emphasis on “helped” in this title, but I would be lying if I said there weren’t some things that didn’t help.

When I was writing my caption for my Instagram post on Monday, I very quickly ran out of room. There is so much more I have to say about mental health, so I decided that there is no place better than this newsletter - with a bookish twist, of course.

I have read books my entire life. There is genuinely not a single time I remember that did not include reading. I had a special love of fantasy and spy series (Gallagher Girls, if you know you know) growing up. To this day, my imagination is a wonderful surface that plays in worlds. I attribute all of this reading to that.

I grew to love more romance books in high school, as I found they had deeper meanings and relations to my own life. In college, I read more fiction and historical fiction, which I adore. Reading these genres have broadened my mind and allowed me to experience a million different perspectives. I have felt all emotions, worked through different struggles, and found paths back to myself. I attribute my empathy, ability to see other perspectives, and emotional maturity to these books.

I also started reading self help books my junior year with my first bout of anxiety and depression.

Through four years of therapy and six months on medication, I have learned that I always had OCD and anxiety, but there is a tightrope that I walk everyday. My anxiety and OCD have greatly helped my life. They make me push myself in every aspect, keep me organized and prepared for any scenario, and overall have attributed to much of my success.

But I tripped over that tightrope my junior year. Whenever I do so, the same anxiety and OCD that have helped me my whole life begin hurting me. It is a spiral that I cannot express. Pure exhaustion, no time for anything but those thoughts. I do have an idea of what caused it, but it is not something I want to share here. Let’s just say that I had a crisis of self and was ashamed of my actions the previous few months.

I got a therapist. I became much more introspective. I dove into my life, my childhood, my actions and those of others. I took a deep look at myself, and I began to rebuild my foundation. As a reader, I also turned to books.

A few of my favorites are Everything I Know About Love, The Midnight Library, The Defining Decade, and Tiny Beautiful Things. I would also say that there are hundreds of romance and fiction books that helped as well.

Overall, I think that reading these helped my perspective. I learned that my twenties are for change and growth and learning. That I am a baby in this life at twenty (at the time). That nothing is black and white. But I also had to be realistic, which is where I think that bit of hurt comes in.

I grew up in fairytales. In girls who traveled the world as spies, with fairytale characters come to life, as a heroine in a made up world with magic at her fingertips. While I wouldn’t change my reading for anything, I do think that this created unrealistic expectations for my life.

I expected something unachievable of myself. I was supposed to be a heroine, a spy, a world changer. Instead, I am just me. A twenty three year old young woman who likes to read books, write stories, take pictures, go for road trips, see new cities, and has no idea what is in store for my life.

I am not a world changer. I am not a spy. I am not a heroine. My fairytales live in my head, not in front of my eyes.

I think I had a bit of a crisis of reality. At twenty, I had to take a look at my life and my rapidly approaching adulthood. I was going to have to start a full time corporate job, move to a new place and try to make friends again, start planning to meet someone and get married eventually but not too far away because I would like to have children one day which is in about ten years but with how quickly the last five went I have to start planning now-

Do you hear the chaos of my mind?

Most recently, I started medication for my OCD. It is pure fabulousness. Part of what I am reckoning with is the future. I hate not knowing things. Sometimes (read: oftentimes) I read the last sentence of a book before I start it. Having no idea of my future made me have a small breakdown in December.

On that day, I listened to a podcast (Help Me Be Me) while walking on the treadmill trying to clear the fog in my brain. I will never forget what she said.

I know all of the circumstances and what they will become that as soon as you have that kind of thinking, all I see are limits. All I see is I have this wall in front of me …

You didn’t expect to change your entire life. That is true at all times. It’s true of all your goals. It’s true of every significant thing in you life. It can happen instantly. That is always possible.

All potential exists because you cannot predict the future. And there is so much happening around outside of you that you do not know. So never forget that and stay focused on what it is you want and what needs your immediate attention.

Picture this: me on the treadmill, sobbing, as this woman changes my life.

Since then, I try to embrace the unknown. I have no idea what will happen! I have no idea who I will meet! I have no idea all of the places I will go!

Some days - not all - I find bits of magic. When my backyard feels like a fairy garden, how the sun gives me goosebumps, when I am immersed in a new book, watching Pride and Prejudice 2005, that first sip of coffee in the mornings …

How lucky am I?

---

Happy book releases! I always get excited to research these, as I find so many wonderful books that I want to read as well as authors I want to support.

1. The Dixon Rule (Campus Diaries #2) by Elle Kennedy (Romance): May 14, 2024

2. The Paradise Problem by Christina Lauren (Romance): May 14, 2024

3. All Fours by Miranda July (Fiction): May 14, 2024

4. The Girl in Question (The Girls I’ve Been #2) by Tess Sharpe (YA Thriller): May 14, 2024

5. Oye by Melissa Mogollon (Fiction): May 14, 2024

Books I’ve compiled from mainly the NYT Bestsellers List, but also the B&N Top 100 and Amazon Bestsellers in no particular order. I’ve decided to simply add the books I haven’t before, since I’ve caught up to the new additions. If you’re curious, last week’s post can be found here.

1. King of Sloth (Kings of Sin #4) by Ana Huang (Romance)

2. Only The Brave by Danielle Steel (Historical Fiction, Historical Romance)

3. Home is Where the Bodies Are by Jeneva Rose (Thriller)

4. Murder Your Employer by Rupert Holmes (Mystery)

5. Real Americans by Rachel Khong (Fiction)

No one is surprised by this week’s AOTW. It’s Oscar Wilde.

via www.britannica.com/biography/Oscar-Wilde

I find it fascinating that The Picture of Dorian Gray is his only novel. I think it shows that art and writing come in all sorts of forms, that one is not better than the other. His success lies in his only novel, his numerous short stories, and his incredible playwrights. In fact, he became one of the greatest celebrities at the time. Several plays continue to be performed to this day, especially The Importance of Being Earnest.

Art and creativity are in his blood. Both of his parents were writers, with his dad both a surgeon and published author and his mother a revolutionary poet. Oscar became a spokesman for the Aesthetic movement and was particularly known for his wit. Towards the end of his life, a series of trials ended with his imprisonment for two years. There is much more information here, but my laptop is overheating so please peruse there for further information!

Just a reminder to submit any books you think others will love on the R&R page or to my email: thesundayreads@gmail.com!

1. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

   1. If you’ve seen my notes this week, then this isn’t a surprise. I’m not going to lie - I wasn’t very into it in the beginning. But wow. I sincerely urge you to read this and to read it blind. I did so and was incredibly moved.

That’s all for today. Much love.

Izzy